It isn't a joke, Mr. Therapist

In last Tuesday's Boston Metro, we had the misfortune of reading Jonathan Alpert's "advice column" No More Drama, in which he responds to a female reader's concern about being approached by men in public. Where do we even begin?! We can't decide which part is more distressing - Alpert's joking tone about the serious nature of unwanted public advances or the idea that women should just have to put up with being sexually harassed in public based on their appearance. Here's the counsel Alpert provides (or download the original page):

"It must be tough to be so drop-dead gorgeous that guys hit on you like vultures. Jokes aside, here are possible solutions for dodging them: 1. Avoid all social settings. 2. Wear a "Don't Talk To Me" sign. 3. Learn to distinguish between those who are truly offensive and those who are well-intended.

The problem with No. 1 and 2, apart from the risk of becoming a loner or being perceived as a social outcast, is you'll miss out on opportunities to meet the good guys. Clearly, a guy asking you for a lap dance between the book stacks at Borders is much different than someone taking an interest in the same travel books as you. Rather than lumping all guys into the vulture category, be open to those who may be respectful and capable of good conversation and who could potentially lead to a friendship.

Although you want to relax by yourself, is it possible you unknowingly draw attention by how you dress, walk or present yourself? Though how you dress does not warrant harassment, consider how others may perceive you and make any necessary changes if this really bothers you. If you truly don't want to be approached, then try a polite response: Simply smile and let the guy know it's nothing about him and that you're taking some time to relax by yourself."

Alpert's "column" is what is known as victim-blaming. In addition to not being able to get past his male privilege and the childish idea that we must protect and placate the fragile male ego by making sure they know not to take a rejection personally, Alpert is trying to make a decision for the reader: whom she should trust in public space. It's hard to imagine a more hurtful analysis of such a simple question - "How do I get strange men to leave me alone?" - "You can't, and you shouldn't because you're clearly the one missing out."

As Alpert is a licensed therapist, it's scary to imagine what he might tell female clients who are having these types of problems in public, let alone victims and survivors of domestic violence, sexual assault, or emotional partner abuse. A woman complains that her husband abuses her, and she wants to know how to get him to leave her alone. So, in hypothetical Alpert-speak, that would translate to: "Learn to distinguish between when he playfully slaps you around with good intention, and when he sexually assaults you. You wouldn't want to miss out on the OPPORTUNITY of being married to a guy who has the potential to be nice to you, and who may, after all, be good at conversation! But most importantly, you're his wife; you married the guy. Therefore, it's definitely your fault on those rare occasions that he sexually assaults you because you're the one wearing that dress that he interprets as: 'Please rape me.' And, remember, next time he comes after you, be sure to smile politely as you try to refuse him."

Like we said, we can only imagine...

The way Alpert assumes his reader must be "asking for it" is a blatant example of perpetrator language. What Alpert fails to realize is that, over time, after being approached one too many times in public, it is NOT that simple for women to distinguish a friendly conversation from potential threat. Many perpetrators initially disguise harassment as a supposed compliment or act in subtle ways that make it difficult to interpret intent. These "compliments" often lead to violent assault, once the perpetrator tests the water, to see whether the woman will respond submissively. The official and disturbing term for this is rape-testing. According to Martha Langelan's discussion in Back Off! How to Confront and Stop Sexual Harassment, "Rapists are not looking for a fair fight. They have learned that sexual harassment is a good way to gauge the likelihood that a woman will fight back in an assault; if she is passive and timid when harassed, they assume she will be passive and terrified when attacked. So, this kind of rapist moves in on his potential victims, standing too close to one at a bus stop...if she is a classmate, customer, or other acquaintance, he may test her with inappropriate sexual touching or personal comments that are out of line, to see whether she will defend herself or call him on his remarks" (1993, p. 45). Hm. Perhaps Alpert should have done his homework?

Alpert ends his cringe-worthy "analysis" of this problem with the classic street harassment line, "Smile!" After being harassed? Not a chance!! Not here to smile for anyone, sir. In this case, Alpert is also sadly advocating that women use what we call victim language: indirect, self-denigrating language, making excuses for the offensive behavior, apologizing for him, adding all kinds of padding, and basically, letting the guy off the hook and disempowering the woman even more. Here's an example of what victim language looks like, employing Alpert's suggestion: "I'm sorry, excuse me, it's nothing about you, it's actually me. I'm sure you don't really mean anything offensive, but, you know, well, I guess I'm just trying to take some time for myself."

There's such a HUGE difference in effectiveness between that kind of response and the more empowering tactics to holla back that clearly name the intrusive behavior, in plain and direct language, with no passive modifiers whatsoever: "Move away, you're standing too close" or "STOP IT. Leave me alone. That's harassment. I don't like it. Stop harassing women." Ironically, Alpert also makes fun of another tactic we support and recommend: handing out signs telling people to not harass. These alternative strategies work because they actually hold the harasser accountable for his unwanted behavior; they validate the woman's experience without apologies or excuses; and they directly disrupt the imbalanced power scenario that the harasser has created by infringing upon your space, body, and sense of safety.

If you're just as appalled at Alpert's lack of insight and integrity as we are, send him a letter at jonathan.alpert@metro.us and let him know public spaces should remain safe for all. It isn't a joke. It's real.

Written by Michelle Riblett and Brittany Shoot. Creative Commons 2.5.